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| The world looks different in your shoes. But it goes both ways too. |
What's weird is that I am fully aware of how I am (re)acting toward her when these discussions turn to confrontations. I don't plan on being specific (that's between her and I), but there comes a point where one side says "you just have to accept things as they are". Do I though? Since when do I have to compromise who I am just for the sake of "accepting". Why can't we change the status quo? Why can't the fact that we're getting married trump everything else? Is it naive to think that or am I the one that needs to change?
With 9 days left, I can't go into this marriage with resentment. Or anger. Or an apathetic mindset. I want to look forward to what's to come and welcome it. But as the days get closer, it's starting to get more and more harder.
I know I'm far from perfect and as much as it might not seem, I am trying to change. I am trying to be more sympathetic and empathetic toward her predicament (with me or anyone else in her life). My goal is to not just dismiss her feelings or make them invalid. But I don't know why I can't. I don't know why I keep blaming her for other people. I do have some theories. One is that she's ok with how things are and even though they bother me, that's not enough to stir some feathers. Regardless if anything changes, it would just be nice to know that I have someone in my corner. None of this "it's not about you" rationale. Of course, as I'm writing this, I understand that this makes no sense to the reader and just as much sense to me, haha.
Again, this is therapy for me to get my feelings out on a website, but the underlying issues are still there. They don't disappear when I hit "publish post" or when I come home today. We go to bed more angry than sleepy nowadays and that's a very bad sign of things to come. There is a saying she says and that's: It's better to be happy than right. I can agree with that up to a point, but not always. Sometimes you need to be right and sometimes you have to address the sore issues in our relationship. Yes, they are going to stir up ill feelings and strong emotions, but how else do you grow? How do you begin to move forward from issues that have been around almost as long as our relationship?
You say to not bring them up 9 days before the wedding, but what about when I brought them up a month into the relationship? Or 6 months? Or 2 years? At no time was it the right time and I can't accept that.
So maybe I can't change as quickly as I want. But I will continue to try and I will continue to be a better person than I was yesterday. I make a lot of mistakes and I say the wrong thing more times than I want to admit. But I'm human and I'm a curious being. I need to have logical reasons to questions and understand situations without just being ok with them.
There may only be 9 days left to the wedding, but we've got a lot of days ahead of us.
