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| Yup. That's how I've been feeling. |
If you've been following my blog (please say you have), then you know all about my attitude towards my job, my recent job interview that did not go as planned, and just how I've felt in general. Well in truth, I'm not sure why I've been feeling down since a few days ago, but I can't seem to shake this attitude. Personally, I equate it to me quitting my comic book collection (oh I'm soooo cool) at the end of March. When I first quit, I didn't feel upset or even down about it. I figured it had taken up a lot of my time and money and it was good to part ways. But lately, I feel like the emotions I should have expressed 3 months ago are starting to surface.
Think of it as an addiction (sadly). You separate yourself from the one thing you love or need (or think you need), and you start to act outside of your character. I feel like the one thing/one hobby/one activity that I loved doing is gone and I can't understand why. It was a $200/month hobby and I couldn't afford it. Well, that's not true. I could afford it, but it would make my upcoming marriage a little difficult as that is $200/month that could be going towards bills, loans, and other necessities. So the logical choice was to give it up. Right?
Well I thought so too at first. I was gung-ho actually and happy to be free of this burden. I went back to video games I have accumulated over the last couple of years, starting catching up on anime (told you I was cool), and felt like I got some piece of my free time back. So why the sudden shift back into depression-like status? I'm not sure. I can't pinpoint what exactly started this downward spiral, but I have a few thoughts.
The first is all the summer superhero movies coming out. From Thor, X-Men, Green Lantern, and Captain America, it got me thinking about all the stories I had read about them and all of the stories I'd never get to see. Now before I go further, let me just explain: I understand that comics are not real and reading the stories that Marvel and DC publish is not a life necessity. But I can't justify why I feel I need to read them. Call it an addiction, obsession, or just love of the "escape from reality into a fictional world" mentality, I miss it. Especially with all of the comic book story lines coming out: Flashpoint, Fear Itself, Spider-Island, and so on. It was something to be a part of and I loved it.
Another reason includes my friends. See, one of my friends works at a comic book store and another friend just enjoys the genre. They have been seeing all the new blockbuster superhero movies coming out at the midnight showing. Sadly, because I have to get up early in the morning, I've been unable to attend and they refuse to wait a few hours until I can see it later the same day. I associate collecting and reading comics as a substitute for my friends, sadly enough. Comics don't let you down (at least the same way that your friends do when they honestly can't wait a few hours to see a movie). It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to hang out with them (and other reasons aside from my movie going example).
The third reason is life. Life is happening and I just don't feel like I'm going anywhere. I work at a job I don't particularly love and comics was my justification for working hard everyday. It was that past-time activity that I would do when I came home at 5:30 p.m. And for those who are about to get the wrong idea, my upcoming marriage. I'm stoked and thrilled to get married, but everyone needs a hobby to themselves. Comics was mine. Well before that it was games and before that it was movies. Which brings me to my fourth point.
Since I will be getting married, I've started selling my games and movies I've collected over the past decade. It's not even the fact that I'm getting practically nothing for them, but the fact that I'm getting rid of them. I feel like I'm getting rid of a piece of myself and for what reason? Because I don't have space? Because my parents don't want it in the house? Because any additional cash will be worth it in the upcoming months? Even with all those reasons, it's hard to part with something that you've invested a lot of time into.
Then of course is the job situation. I graduated with a bachelor's degree and with no experience. I'm not sure about the rest of you, but it's hard to get a job when you can't even meet the core requirements of an entry level position. Not to mention that your own company doesn't see the worth in promoting you or allowing you to gain experience in your field. If it was up to me, I'd just pack up and leave (and I mean that in general). I'd come home right now, pack up my stuff, take my money, and then start driving. I've been thinking about it for a long-time now and even though it won't happen, I've felt like I needed to go find myself to feel whole again.
But enough of that happy topic, har har....
I have been trying to be proactive in a few areas and those include: 1) sending a letter to a local university about their evening masters program that I hope to attend later this year/early next year. 2) with the aid of my fiancee, I am looking into possibly collaborating on some upcoming marketing projects at her current place of employment. 3) at my work, I have been working on shadowing co-workers in my field to gain some knowledge and experience.
While the process is slow, I am trying to rebound from this wave of negative emotions, but it's taking time. I seem to keep relapsing every so often so I'm not sure when and if I'll ever feel back to "normal".
So to thank you for reading this incredibly long blog (it really is long), make sure to check out the web comic strip that brings a smile to my face every morning. I now introduce you to: www.bugcomic.com
