So why am I posting now, a good month since my last one? It's because I need to get everything out and this is the best and most constructive way I can think of. I found out officially this morning that I did not get the position, after the HR rep left me a voice message saying she wanted me to call her to see how I thought the interviews went. I already knew the outcome, but when I called her back, it started with her explaining that they were going in a different direction. But let me back up a bit to when I really started to know...
I was Monday morning and my friend and co-worker informed me that she had been asked to go for a 3rd interview (she was also applying for the same job). When she asked me if I also got the e-mail, I did not and knew what that meant. Many people tried to rationalize that it could mean anything (they wanted more information from her, they wanted to be sure of her, blah blah blah). But I knew what it meant; she was moving on and I was done. Now I completely understand that no one is automatically supposed to give me a job just because I apply, but how else am I supposed to feel? Thankful I still have a job? Glad I tried out at least? Gotten more experience for interviewing? C'mon.
So I spent the remainder of Monday and most of Tuesday in a downhill spiral of emotions. Then on Tuesday afternoon, my friend told me that they asked her to interview with the 3rd person because the position was between her and one other person (an HR rep for the company) and it was up to this individual to make the final decision. Well let me just say my mood didn't improve in the slightest. All I could think about was how much I hated being where I was (take that anyway you want). I convinced myself I would stay home on Wednesday because I couldn't face coming into this place.
Well, I came home, unwound, and decided to come in today (also thanks to an email from my fiancee). But on my way here, all I could think about was how unfair I thought this was and did everything I could to keep my emotions in check. I was on the verge of tears, I was so mad in the face, and the last thing I wanted to do was walk into that building. And now you know the background information.
So I was reading this blog and it talked about what's important in life and how our views get skewed by so many factors. And it got me thinking that I don't even know what's important to me. All along I was convinced I needed a marketing job (and probably still do to a certain degree), but I've been wasting all this energy. I complain about not getting a job I want, but I don't apply anywhere except within my company. I complain about me not being in shape, but I don't even exercise when I have free time. I complained about not having any free time, but I really do. So what's the next step?
I need to seriously re-evaluate my priorities. I think I've been so obsessed over this goal that it makes no sense to be. Yes, it does make sense to want to strive for something, but just like with my comic collecting (which I've stopped), I became so absorbed that any negative change is like a blow to the head. So I'm not sure where I'm going from here. I don't want to make empty promises. And sadly I can't just get in my car and leave; too many responsibilities.
But I think it's time I take that first step towards change and see where I end up.
